Brett.Ullman

A Church Service struggling with anxiety

Depressed Man with Problems holding hand over his Face and Crying occupied by Mind Blowing Thoughts
It has been about 4 months since I have been able to sit in a full church service. My anxiety has been high for this last season of life. I was asked the other week what my anxiety feels like when I have to leave. Last week I decided to journal a full service.
My goal in this is to let people who are also struggling with anxiety know that they are not alone. My second goal is to help people understand a little more about anxiety.

8:30 AM:
Here I am in church again
30 minutes early so that my anxiety can get a chance to slowly calm down
Pray that God will grant me peace in my body and mind
Look around at the people around me
Feeling dizzy again
Church starts
Music begins
Say to myself my goal today is to just survive the music portion of the service without leaving
Take a step forward and start holding tight onto the seat in front of me
Keep breathing
Pray
Feeling shaky all over
Remind myself to deep breath in stomach and not chest
Remind myself I am ok
Still don’t feel ok
Tingles moving through my arms and legs and around my back
Start to wonder if I need to leave
Anxiety seems to grow for no reason
Take a drink of water
 Take some big breaths
Remind myself I am ok and anxiety is just feelings
Music ends, I survived
My mind questions if surviving is good enough. Not really the goal of a musical worship set
Feel frustrated that this is the situation I am in
I am a 44 year old man who’s only goal is to survive 4 worship songs in church
Remind myself this is my struggle, the thorn in my side
Remind myself I am doing everything I can about it
Time to stand and shake hands
Quickly wonder if I will be dizzy when I stand
Stand anyway
Sit down again
Glad to sit
Preaching starts
Everything is really quiet now
I feel anxiety and panic beginning to grow in my stomach
New goal
Survive the sermon
Suddenly feel sad that this is my goal
Open up my bible on my iPad
Look up at preacher
Wave of dizziness sets in
Should I leave
Shift in my seat
Cross my legs
Breath
Breath
Pray
Pray
Panic is rising
Heart is beating fast
Tell myself it will pass
Tell myself again it will pass
Nothing really passes
Pray
Still feel horrible
Take a drink
Try and concentrate on what is being said
Wish I could concentrate on the sermon and not the conversation in my own head
In my anxious state hard time focusing on the preacher
People in the audience laugh at something preacher says
Feeling envy at people around me.
Wish I could laugh
Wish I was someone else
Tell myself to stop going down the rabbit hole in my mind
Sermon finished
Survived

2 frames of mind after a morning like this:

1st Frame of mine

  1. Wishing I could enjoy a church service
  2. Wishing it was not so hard
  3. Wishing I did not envy people around me
  4. Feeling frustrated how my life has become
  5. I don’t know how I will survive this

2nd Frame of mine

  1. I came to church
  2. I talked to some people
  3. I made a choice not to just stay at home.
  4. I will survive this

 

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It’s not if a child will be exposed to porn, but when.

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Some good points here.

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For many boys, porn is their sex education. They copy what they see, and expect their girlfriends to be like the women in the film. “Young people have described to us again and again, that pornography is shaping their sexual imaginations, expectations and practices,” says Maree. “We have had young men who have been genuinely surprised that when they enact what they see in porn, their partner doesn’t like what they were doing, because they’ve always seen women enjoy it on screen.

Click here or the screenshot below for the article.