A rarely talked about theme in almost all churches is how to have a great sex life in your marriage. Some good thoughts here for starting points of conversations.
But seven years of marriage has taught me something. The health of my sex life directly affects the health of my marriage. Some of you would never talk about sex, not with a spouse, not with a trusted friend, not at all.
If you’d like to protect your daughter, raise her in such a way that she can protect herself. Give her the tools to decipher a dangerous situation. Teach her the language of consent and how to exit a situation that makes her uncomfortable. Help her be confident about her decisions, and show her how to make good choices about the people she spends time with. Take the time and be involved in her life.
Protect your son in the same ways. And, for goodness sake, if you have good reason to distrust their judgment, make sure their activities are safe and monitored.
Above all, realize and come to terms with the fact that teenage sexuality is not a “boy thing.” Teenage sexuality is a teenage thing. Young men and young women alike are going to be curious, interested, and looking to learn more about sex.
Your daughter is just as curious as my son, I can virtually guarantee it. Yet you don’t see me polishing a shotgun when she comes over to do homework. You don’t see me posting pictures on Facebook with watered-down threats about personal harm should I find out she gets handsy with my son.
The idea of threatening young women to keep their hands off young men is ludicrous, yet when roles are reversed it’s completely accepted and even encouraged. Why? In order to raise a generation of kind and respectful men we have to stop telling our boys they’re inherently bad (but it’s not their fault because hormones).
Parents please make sure you are having these conversations with your kids.
To this day, I thank God for a mother who willingly went there with me and continued to go there as I had questions throughout my developmental years. She met my curiosity with sound, honest answers. I never felt ashamed or embarrassed to ask her about sex because she allowed it to be a safe topic.
Remove the Shame
Have Realistic Expectations
Know God Better
Talk about Sex
And I think it starts in the home. Parents are the most powerful agents in helping their children explore, clarify, and understand sexuality. Even in choosing to be silent, parents are reinforcing curiosity and confusion around the topic. I am not a parent, and I cannot imagine the discomfort I would feel walking in on my 10-year-old child masturbating or watching pornography. I would most likely want to avoid the topic at all costs. But discomfort is not an excuse for avoidance. I believe parents have the privilege, and simultaneous responsibility, to create a safe place for their children to discuss all aspects of sex.
Being a parent means having the tough conversations even if we don’t want to. If you don’t teach your kids on these topics someone else will. We don’t want current pop culture teaching our kids about sex.
Most talks and sermons on physical intimacy and marriage are compartmentalized. It is about sex… and then marriage, or it is about marriage… and then sex. Sex becomes an “add-on” to marriage much like a shed out back is an “add-on” to a house. It doesn’t have anything to do with the actual relationship, nothing to do with the structural integrity of the house itself. It’s just a bonus.
Because of this, my understanding of sex became naturally one-sided. What I heard was, “I’m going to love having sex. It will make me feel great.