Brett.Ullman

Category - brett ullman

The Porn Project: Reboot Challenge

Porn: So much struggle and addiction and so little answers, solutions and freedom. One of the best discussions for those of us coming from a Christian Worldview would be from a blog from Tim Challies called 7 Reasons to Stop Looking at Porn Right Now. He goes through each of the reasons below

  • The Cost to your Soul
  • The Cost to your Neighbour
  • The Cost to your Family
  • The Cost to your Mission
  • The Cost to your Witness
  • The Cost to your Saviour

The only one I might add to this list is the Cost to your own BodyAs I am working through my research for a talk on pornography called “The Porn Project” I have been fascinated to find an entire online community (not faith based) equipping, supporting and empowering people (men and women) to stop watching pornography. It is often called the “NoFap” movement which is not a Christian movement at all. In case you are wondering what Fap is, it is a bit of Internet vernacular for the act of self-love (masturbation). So the NoFap movement is asking people to stop looking at all forms of porn and stop masturbating. People often say to me that their porn addiction is not hurting anyone. From Tim’s blog it is hurting some of the largest areas of our life. What seems to be missing along side these thoughts in our Christian community is the realization that there are also physiological issues with long term masturbation to pornography from Porn Induced Erectile Dysfunction, Sexual Exhaustion etc. Many people I talk to seem to think that these physical issues are a joke and are not true.

Below are a few videos for you to watch. It takes such courage to open up and speak as these people do about such a private struggle. Please remember this are not Christian groups so you may find some rough language.

As I travel I talk to men and women nightly who talk about addictions to porn.  I have hundreds of emails of people struggling in their Christian faith due to issues with porn. I have heard from a over 100 women who have told me that their marriages were destroyed from their husbands addictions to pornography. Pastors tell me it is an epidemic in their youth groups and throughout adults in their churches.

While I am finishing my research on this talk I thought it would be interesting to see if I could find 100 people who would want to take part in a small experiment. Rather than talking about all the ways porn has hurt us I would love to see how getting rid of porn in our lives helps us, especially those of us coming from a Christian Perspective. I am open to people who are not faith based to take this challenge. Love to here your thoughts as well.

So here is the experiment:

I am looking for 100 people who are interested in taking a 60 day (2 months) challenge to be completely porn free in your life. 

To some of you 60 days might seem like an eternity. I would respond and say that if you cannot go 60 days without porn or sexualized media in your life than you probably can at least acknowledge that you are struggling with this. Also, during this journey if you fail, then try and think why you failed (were you alone too much, tired, angry etc). learn from your setback, and try and get back to the journey.

This video gives some great advice on how to do this.

Practical stuff: I will NEVER be posting your names anywhere ever. I am interested in your journey goes:

If you are interested in being part of this journey you just need to let me know. Send me an email to brettullman@me.com or hit me up on any social media. Then as you are going through your journey keep a small journal. Write down anything you think might be interesting. Some questions are below. You can send me thoughts at the end or anytime in the middle. If anyone worries that someone might see your email. It is only going to me and I will never share this information with anyone. If you are really worried make a fake gmail account and email me from that. The goal is not to shame anyone but to look at a journey like this together.

Here are some questions I would love to know. You can add any more you like.

  1. How hard was the decision to stop? Where you able to stop? Did you relapse?
  2. What kinds of things did you have to change?
  3. Did you have any withdrawal affects? What were they? When in your journey did you have them?
  4. Thinking of the areas that Tim talked about in his blog. Tell me how if affected your: Soul – did your faith change?
  5. Neighbour – Did you thoughts change about the people in the videos? Your neighbours? Did you look at woman (or men) different when you saw them?
  6. Did it change your engagement at church?
  7. How did the reboot affect your relationship with your family? As a parents did you feel freedom that your family would not find pornography on your computer etc?
  8. Did you find you engaged more with the areas you feel called to be involved in? Volunteer?
  9. Did you find that your witness changed? Did you feel like less of a fraud?
  10. If you are married how did your relationship change with your wife or husband?
  11. Anything else that you found in your journey to be noteworthy.

So what does this journey include. Anything sexual. That includes looking at sexualized images on social media (some of you might have to delete people you are creeping through their photos on Facebook or Instagram), all pornographic websites, TV and Movies with nudity and overt sexuality and any other areas from your thought life (fantasy or remembering past sexual encounters) to anything else that would turn you on sexually (I am not including regular sexual intimacy within marriage).

For Christians it should be enough for us to stop from a Theological standpoint (Scripture) but I think it will become very real very quick if you take this challenge that porn might have its hold on you. Many guys online (see websites #7  (Your Brain on Porn) and #8 (Your Brain Rebalanced) at the end of this blog talk about brutal side affects after Dopamine is no longer being drenched onto your pleasure centres in your brain. Many of the comments on the side effects are within just days of stopping. All I can say is why not try and live 60 days without porn and see how it goes.

During this time I would also encourage you to spend more time with God in prayer and Scripture reading. I would also encourage you to exercise, eat better and get lots of sleep. You might also need to talk to a counsellor to help you walk through this.

It would be awesome if you could share this blog around through email, other blogs or on social media. Thanks

I will leave you with this awesome poem for your journey:


 

“I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost… I am helpless.
It isn’t my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don’t see it.
I fall in again.
I can’t believe I am in the same place.
But, it isn’t my fault.
It still takes me a long time to get out.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in. It’s a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault. I get out immediately.

walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

I walk down another street.”

Portia Nelson, There’s a Hole in My Sidewalk
The Romance of Self-Discovery


 

If you are looking for other great resources there is so much great information on all of the websites below. Please take some time to go through them. If there are any great articles, books or other resources please send them to me and I will add them to this list.

Websites / Articles / Blogs

  1. xxxchurch.com (one of the best sites. So much here) Take their 30 day porn challenge! Click Here
  2. Fight the new Drug: Dropping knowledge on the harmful effects of porn – Click Here
  3. Pornolescence (Tim Challies) – Click Here
  4. DoggieHeadTilt – Rx for ED? – Click Here
  5. Is Pornography changing how teens view sex? Toronto Star – Click Here
  6. 7 Good Reasons to Stop Looking at Porn right now – Tim Challies – Click Here
  7. Your Brain on Porn (non faith-based) – Click Here
  8. Your Brain Rebalanced: Overcoming Pornography Addiction and Porn Induced Erectile Dysfunction(non faith based) – Click Here
  9. Brain Chemicals and Porn Addiction: Science Shows How Porn Harms Us – Click Here
  10. This is your Brain on Porn (Michael John Cusick) Click Here
  11. What’s the Big Deal With Porn? (Eddie Kaufholz) Click Here

YouTube – Video

  1. The Great Porn Experiment: Gary Wilson – TedxGlasgow – Click Here
  2. Christians & PORN – Part 1 | @whatisjoedoing @chaseGodtv – Click Here
  3. Christians & PORN – Part 2 | @whatisjoedoing @chaseGodtv – Click Here
  4. The Basics of Rebooting (non faith-based) – Click Here  **blunt, rough but true language **
  5. FULL STORY: Generation X-Rated (Global 16×9) (** non faith-based) – Click Here
  6. The Science of Pornography Addiction – Click Here
  7. Why I stopped watching porn: Ran Gavrieli – TEDxJaffa Click Here

Justice

  1. The Justice Side of Porn: How porn is more than a moral issue – Click Here
  2. Defend Dignity – it is possible to end sexual exploitation in Canada – Click Here

Healing / Recovery / Solutions

  1. The Porn Free Family Plan (Tim Challies) – Click Here **this is one of the best articles on this for any parent**
  2. Setting Captives Free: One Heart at a Time  / 60 Day Free online Courses- Click Here
  3. x3pure.com – 30-day online workshops (my favourite resource here) – Click Here
  4. Valiant Man – Click Here

Filtering and Accountability

  1. Open DNS – Click Here **I use this**
  2. Covenant Eyes – Click Here **I use this**
  3. EverAccountable – Click Here
  4. NetNanny – We Protect Families – Click Here
  5. K9 Web Protection – Click Here
  6. McAfee Family Protection – Click Here

Books

  1. Sexual Detox: A Guide for Guys who are sick of Porn – Tim Challies (Amazon.ca)
  2. Pure Eyes (): A Man’s Guide to Sexual Integrity – Craig Gross (Amazon.ca)
  3. The Game Plan: The Men’s 30-Day Strategy for Attaining Sexual Integrity – Joe Dallas (Amazon.ca)
  4. At the Altar of Sexual Idolatry – Steve Gallagher (Amazon.ca)
  5. Surfing for God: Discovering the Divine Desire Beneath Sexual Struggle (Amazon.ca)
  6. Your Brain on Porn – Gary Wilson (Amazon.ca)
  7. Wired for Intimacy: How Pornography Hijacks the Male Brain (Amazon.ca)
  8. Samson and the Pirate Monks: Calling Men to Authentic Brotherhood – Nate Larkin (Amazon.ca)
  9. A Christian Woman’s Guide to Breaking Free from Pornography: It’s not just a guys problem. – Shelly Hitz (Amazon.ca)
  10. Pure Heart – A Woman’s Guide to Sexual Integrity – Shellie R. Warren (Amazon.ca)
  11. False Intimacy: Understanding the Struggle of Sexual Sin – Dr. Harry W. Schaumburg Click Here
  12. Every Heart Restored: A Wife’s Guide to Healing in the Wake of a Husband’s Sexual Sin – Fred & Brenda Stoeker Click Here
  13. Every Man’s Battle: Winning the War on Sexual Temptation One Victory at a Time – Stephen Arterburn & Fred Stoeker Click Here
  14. Every Woman’s Battle: Discovering God’s Plan for Sexual and Emotional Fulfillment – Shannon Ethridge Click Here

“In all things love”

“In the things we agree on Unity, in the things we disagree on Liberty, but in all things Love”

Can I just encourage people (speaking mostly to the Christian community) who are having discussions on the new Sex Education Curriculum to do so with respect, thoughtfulness and in all that we do …love.

If someone has a differing opinion than you on this topics it does not automatically mean that

  1. they are not a Christian
  2. they are (all pulled from blog comments on a number of sites today) stupid, ignorant, crazy, bull headed (my favourite), bad parents, crazy liberals,  …

It is really discouraging to see all of the vile comments all over social media as people are discussing something.

I wonder how many people will never set foot inside a church due to the comments they read.

I think the one really good thing in all of this discussion is it is forcing all of us parents to think through how we are talking about these topics with our kids in our own homes.

It is challenging the churches and youth workers to evaluate how we can come alongside parents and support then in these tough conversations.

Please remember in all things Love …

 

 

We Need your Help!

We teach our kids to ask for help when they need it and as we watch our children mature we remind them, “If you ever need anything, just ask”. As adults, though, when we need help ourselves, we rarely ask for it. This is certainly true of me in my own life. For years people have said to me, “If you ever want to do something and cannot afford it, just ask”.

So let me be very clear: Now, I am asking. I really need your help. I have been the Executive Director of Worlds Apart since 1997. In fact, back in 2005 I left my teaching job to go into this ministry full-time. To this day my passion to see youth, parents and leaders connect their ancient faith with their modern world motivates me to find better ways to bridge this gap. Presently, there are 2 main projects that I can use your help with:

1. One of the largest questions students and parents email me about is the topic of sex. I have a talk called the.sex.talk, which is a large broad conversation on this topic. It is a very practical talk about creating a sexual ethic in our Christian lives. Basically how we connect our faith and our sexuality. It walks through topics like media, theology, consequences and other practical advice. The filming, editing and printing of this talk will cost approximately $11,000.

2. As a speaker I have noticed that there are very few statistics from a Canadian perspective. I would like to create a site to create some Canadian stats in our Christian community. Before I come to a speaking date I would be able to send a church a link to a list of questions. When I come to that church I would be able to leave them with a list of stats for their congregation dealing with issues from faith, mental health and other topics. It would help that church see where there might be some issues and then look at how they can program better for those areas. We could also offer the church some suggestions and resources to help with areas that people in the congregation might be struggling with. The cost for the create of the website, professional creation of questions and design is about $11,000. (Raised $5000)

We are also continue to look for 200 people who will support the work of Worlds Apart at $120 a year. This minimal donation runs at only $10 a month. I presently have the opportunity to speak across Canada to tens of thousands of students, parents and leaders each year.

I am asking you to consider financially supporting us as we pursue the initiatives above. Donations can be assigned to a specific project or simply directed to the charity for use where needed.

To donate online go to www.brettullman.com, click “Main Speaking Site” at the top, and choose the “Support” Tab on the right side of the website. Then click the CanadaHelps button.

To donate by mail please make your cheque payable to “Worlds Apart” and address them to:
Worlds Apart, 68 Ashbury Blvd, Ajax, Ontario, L1Z 1M8.

If you have any questions please contact me through social media or email me at brett@brettullman.com.

Thanks so much for your time,

Brett Ullman (www.brettullman.com)
Director
Worlds Apart

Free and discounted e-Books

For the past year I have been posting daily free books for the kindle. People often write me and ask how I find these books. It is quite simple. I signed up for a daily email from the site below.

I have built up a collection on my kindle of over 800 books. Some of these I am reading now and the rest are there for when I or my family find those topics useful for their lives. It is great to have a library of great books available for different seasons of your life. Enjoy.

[browser-shot width=”600″ url=”http://www.gospelebooks.net/”]

“Here I am” vs. “There you are” – Which kind of person are you?

Over the past few years I have been taking a little personal survey after being together with anyone where a conversation was had. This could be at school, church, conferences, going to the movies with friends, and other get togethers you can think of. What I am watching is how conversations go. My wife (Dawn) is a master question asker kind of person. She would pepper you with tons of questions if you are together on all areas of life, faith, family and other. She is genuinely interested in what is going on with people. What is weird to me is when people are not interested back.

How many times in the past year have you been together with someone and after you were with them you realize that they did not ask a single question about you, your family, your children, your job, your hopes, your dreams … basically anything at all about you?

For me I find this is around 50% of all of my conversations. It is like we seem to be losing the art of conversation. In my mind sometimes while people are talking I have the desire to say “Enough of about you lets talk a little about me!” I have yet to use that 🙂

Now my first response is to call people Narcissist’s.

Narcissism is the pursuit of gratification from vanity or egotistic admiration of one’s own attributes. The term originated from the Greek mythology, where the young Narcissus fell in love with his own image reflected in a pool of water.
Wikipedia

Calling people names does not solve anything and it also does not give anyone the benefit of the doubt. I sometimes wonder

  1. Have people been raised by parents who have taught them they are the only thing that matters?
  2. Are people just that bad at conversation that all they can talk about is themselves?
  3. Do people just not care about each other?
  4. Are people just Narcissists today in society?

I remember from reading a number of John Maxwell’s books that he always talks about “adding value” to people. The idea is that if you are going to spend any time from a few moments to a long conversation that goal is going to be to add value to that person’s life through your conversation.

When you begin a conversation with someone ask yourself which of these people you are going to be:

  1. Here I Am type of person – Is it all about you. What you can tell the other person about your life etc
  2. There you Are type of person – When you see someone you are thinking of how you can find out more about them. What is going on with their life, family etc. How can you “add value” to them in this conversation.

The truth is that all conversations should end up being a little of both of these. If someones ask you how school is going the next question you would usually ask back is “How is school going for you?” For people who struggle in conversation, you can just take any question someone has asked you and ask that same question back to them.

Process: Over the next week try and be very mindful of what type of person you are being: Here I am or There you Are

Take Away:
Below is a great article with some more thoughts on this topic. Enjoy

http://www.relevantmagazine.com/life/reclaiming-art-meaningful-conversation

Christmas Season Sabbatical: Social Media and Blog!

I am going to be taking a break from all Social Media including my blog. I think it is important to have some time during the year where I stop, reflect, and try and be present in my regular life by shutting down everything in my online world. I am going to be off blogging and all Social Media from Thursday Dec 18th, 2014 until Jan 1st, 2015.

Anyone want to join me in this break?

I hope you have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.