Brett Ullman | May 7, 2020 | 0
90 questions to discuss while dating
In my new book Parenting: Navigating Everything I have a chapter on dating. I talk about questions you need to go through with people when you are dating to see if you are basically right for each other. Not all red flags in your relationships are things like someone is abusive or other large red flags. Some things are just things that you are different on. In this updated list, I am going to go through 90 questions that you can talk about with the person you are dating. Now, please come at this with a very balanced approach. If you have just started dating someone you do not need to ask them really deep questions on the first date. You also do not need to pepper people with questions every time you are together. I am just trying to give you some thoughts on questions you need to know over time. This will take months and months of conversations. Find what works best for you as a couple. I know a couple who each Sunday night, they would go for coffee and do a few questions.
- You can add in any questions you want.
- You can also change how the questions are being asked.
- If there are any “red flags” I would encourage you to make note of those things in order to go deeper. You will need to have some real, open, and vulnerable conversations as a couple about those concerns.
1. What is your current job?
2. What do you want to do for work when you’re older?
3. In what ways are you presently moving towards those goals?
4. Where do you want to live when you’re married?
5. Where might you have to move due to work?
6. What does having a good work-life balance mean to you?
7. What are some places you want to travel to?
8. What are other goals you have in life?
9. What do you do for fun?
1. What are your strengths? How are you working on them?
2. What are your weaknesses? How are you managing them?
3. What is a recent book you’ve read?
4. What was the last conference you went to?
5. What’s on your bucket list?
6. What makes you happy, sad, or afraid?
7. What music do you listen to?
8. What movies and TV shows do you enjoy?
9. Is there anything you gave up once you started dating that had been a really big part of
your life? Why did you give it up?
10. Do you follow any blogs, vlogs, or podcasts?
11. What first attracted you to the person you’re dating?
1. How is your physical health?
2. How is your mental health?
3. What do you do to keep healthy?
4. How do you feel about drinking alcohol?
5. How do you feel about smoking or vaping?
6. How do you feel about using drugs?
7. Do you have any allergies?
8. Do you have any health concerns in your family?
1. What is your faith background?
2. What were you raised to believe about God?
3. What do you think of God now?
4. How does this influence the way you live your life?
5. If your understanding of God is different from each other, how will you handle this?
6. Is going to church important to you? If so, why do you attend the church you do?
7. Will we go to church together as a couple? Which one?
8. When you have children, how will you teach them about faith?
9. What is important to you within your practice of faith, and why?
1. What was your family like growing up?
2. What was your parents’ marriage like?
3. Do you come from a divorced background? How did that affect you?
4. What are your parents’ and siblings’ opinion on who you’re dating?
5. What are some family traditions/expectations that might affect your relationship? Cottages? Family vacations? Yearly reunions? Weekly family dinners?
6. Tell me about your grandparents? What are (were) they like?
7. Tell me about your extended family? Cousins, aunts, uncles?
1. Do you want children at some time in your life?
2. How many children? Do you want a large or small family?
3. How long do you plan to wait after marriage before having children?
4. If you want kids but are unable to, what will you do?
5. What kind of home do you want your kids to grow up in?
6. Will someone stay home with the kids when they’re young or will they go to daycare?
7. If a parent stays home, which one will it be? How long will they stay home?
8. What do you think of sports, competitive dance, or other activities?
9. What might your parenting style be like?
10. How would you discipline your children?
11. What kinds of experiences would you like your children to have?
12. What education do you envision for your children?
13. How involved will your parents be in your kids lives?
1. How will jobs around the house get done?
2. What does marriage mean to you?
3. What struggles do you foresee happening after you get married?
4. What is your relationship like with your parents? What are your expectations for relationships
with extended family?
5. Do you want pets?
1. What are your financial goals?
2. Do you have any debt? If so, how much?
3. How do you manage credit cards? Do you pay off credit cards at the end of every month
or do you pay interest?
4. Do you tithe to your church? What percent of your income do you give?
5. Do you give to any charities?
6. Will we have one bank account ( joint) or separate bank accounts?
7. What are your parents’ spending habits?
8. What are your spending habits?
9. How do you view my spending habits? Do our spending habits agree?
10. Who is paying for our dates?
11. What kind of home do you want to live in? Will you rent or buy?
12. How much will you eat out at restaurants each week?
13. Do you want to travel?
14. What do you like to spend money on?
1. How old were you when you began dating?
2. What does dating mean to you?
3. How many people have you seriously dated?
4. How were your breakups?
5. What are your relationships with your past boyfriends/girlfriends?
6. What were the strong points in your relationships?
7. What were the weak points in your relationships?
8. Would you do anything differently?
1. What kind of sexual contact do you think is appropriate for us while we’re dating? What
will we do to have success in that?
2. Have you had any past sexual experiences?
3. Have you had any past negative sexual experiences?
4. Do you have a sexually transmitted infection (STI)? Have you ever been tested before?
5. Is pornography a struggle for you? How are you dealing with that? Do you have an accountability
6. How do you presently feel about sex?
After asking all these questions, and the follow-up questions that naturally ensue, make sure
you ask these:
1. Is there anything I haven’t asked that you need to share with me?
2. Is there anything in your past I should be aware of?
3. What if you are the right person for me?