Brett.Ullman

Tag - dating

Case for the filming of my new talk dating.for.life: the questions

To whom it may concern,

It was 1996 when I did my first talk at a church in Pickering to a room full of high school students. Talking about music and media and how our faith plays a role in this. 10 years later I found my self speaking 45 times per year while still teaching full time with the Toronto District School Board. I left teaching that year and have been speaking full time with Worlds Apart since then.

In his book Holy Discontent Bill Hybels talks about finding out what your Holy Discontent (those things that continuously bother you) are and to walk into that space. That has been the theme for all of my talks for 19 years. Every few years I would add a talk (Self Harm, dating, men, sex, mental health and most recently pornography.

In the last 3 years I have had the chance to film my talks on Mental Health (The Walking Wounded), my talk on sex for parents (The Sex Talk) and my talk on pornography (The Porn Project).

One of the things I hear nightly from students, parents and leaders is the conversation on dating. Questions like “How should a Christian date in these modern times?” are asked almost nightly to me.

I have an older talk called dating.for.life that I have now put on youtube (see entire presentation below)

It is a look at all aspect of dating. It has been about 8-9 years since I created this presentation and I found myself needing to update that talk. I have a new version of my dating talk called dating.for.life: the questions. It basically goes over 8 main questions:

  1. What is dating?
  2. When should I start dating?
  3. Am I ready to start dating?
  4. How do I start dating?
  5. What are Red Flags in my dating relationships?
  6. How do I find out if they are the “One”?
  7. How do I break up?
  8. What if they are the right person for me?

As a speaker I am able to speak about 150 times a year. I am unable to speak at every church and school in the country. My filmed talks are being used in churches from California to England, from Vancouver to St. Johns. I receive emails from people using the DVD or Digital downloads to help equip people in their churches, camps and families to help people with mental health struggles, conversations on sex and helping equip parents and leaders in this tough conversation on pornography. This is the same I want to do with my new dating.for.life – the questions talk.

To do this project we are looking at raising $8,500

$5500 for filming and editing of the talk. It is the editing of the talk that is so time consuming as we need to incorporate a professionally designed Keynote presentation throughout the filmed talk. It gives people the same experience as if I was speaking live at their church or school. This includes a trailer for promotion.

$1000 – Creating Master copy of DVD, Creation of Graphics for DVD jacket and cover.

$2000 – printing of 1500 DVD’s.  The Talk is also put online on VimeoOnDemand.com

Total funds – $8500

We find as a small non for profit it is hard to raise funds. We are cut out of applying for most grants from foundations as we don’t reach their $250k minimum income. We are not looking at raising funds for day to day operations but raising the funds specifically for this project.

If you would like to chat please contact me at the email below. If you would like to make a donation please follow this link – https://www.canadahelps.org/dn/15850

Thanks for your consideration.

Executive Director
Worlds Apart (worldsapart.org)
Brett Ullman

brett@brettullman.com

 

We Are the Generation That Doesn’t Want Relationships

Interesting thoughts on the young adult generation and dating. Written by a 20-something.

We want the façade of a relationship, but we don’t want the work of a relationship. We want the hand holding without the eye contact, the teasing without the serious conversations. We want the pretty promise without the actual commitment, the anniversaries to celebrate without the 365 days of work that leads up to them. We want the happily ever after, but we don’t want to put the effort in the here and now. We want the deep connection, while keeping things shallow. We long for that world series kind of love, without being willing to go to bat.

We want someone to hold our hand, but we don’t want to put the power to hurt us in their hands. We want cheesy pick up lines, but we don’t want to be picked up… for that involves the possibility of being set down. We want to be swept off our feet, yet at the same time remaining safely, independently, standing on our own. We want to keep chasing the idea of love, but we don’t want to actually fall into it.

We don’t want relationships – we want friends with benefits, Netflix and chill, nudes on Tinder. We want anything that will give us the illusion of a relationship, without being in an actual relationship. We want all the rewards and none of the risk, all of the payout and none of the cost. We want to connect – enough, but not too much. We want to commit – a little, but not a lot. We take it slow: we see where it goes, we don’t label things, we just hang out. We keep one foot out the door, we keep one eye open, and we keep people at arm’s length – toying with their emotions but most of all toying with our own.

When things get too close to being real, we run. We hide. We leave. There’s always more fish in the sea. There’s always another chance at finding love. There’s just such a little chance of keeping it these days…

Click here to read the entire blog.

Former Evangelical Pastor Rethinks His Approach To Courtship

Kissed Dating Goodbye is the #1 book people talk about when I speak my dating.for.life talk. I have seen people do well with his thoughts and I have seen people take some of his thoughts way to far. I was really pleased recently to read Joshua Harris in this interview. So rare these days to find anyone willing to critically analyze their own work.

HARRIS: I think I’m finally at a place where I’m really trying to listen to those voices. And I think it’s taken time for the consequences of the way that people applied the book and the way the book affected people to play out. And so I’m hearing these different voices saying, here’s how your book was used against me, here’s how it was forced on me, or here’s how I tried to – no one forced it on me, but I tried to apply it and it had this negative consequence in different ways.

I’m trying to go back and really evaluate, you know, where did my book contribute to that? Where was it too stringent? And where was that me and what I was writing, and where was that – the families and the church cultures and so on? So I feel like I’m on the front end of a process to help people in some way if I can apologize where needed and re-evaluate where needed.

HARRIS: Well, you’re exactly right. I believe that the Bible does give certain commandments and guidance and so on. I think, though, that it’s really easy for Christians to take truths from God’s word and principles and then in subtle and sometimes not so subtle ways add extra human regulation onto it. For example, there are clear things in statements in Scripture about our sexuality being expressed within the covenant of marriage. But that doesn’t mean that dating is somehow wrong or a certain way of dating is the only way to do things.

Click here for the entire article.

It’s Not ‘Cute’ When Dads Threaten My Son For Dating Their Daughter

Wow, such a great article.

If you’d like to protect your daughter, raise her in such a way that she can protect herself. Give her the tools to decipher a dangerous situation. Teach her the language of consent and how to exit a situation that makes her uncomfortable. Help her be confident about her decisions, and show her how to make good choices about the people she spends time with. Take the time and be involved in her life.

Protect your son in the same ways. And, for goodness sake, if you have good reason to distrust their judgment, make sure their activities are safe and monitored.

Above all, realize and come to terms with the fact that teenage sexuality is not a “boy thing.” Teenage sexuality is a teenage thing. Young men and young women alike are going to be curious, interested, and looking to learn more about sex.

Your daughter is just as curious as my son, I can virtually guarantee it. Yet you don’t see me polishing a shotgun when she comes over to do homework. You don’t see me posting pictures on Facebook with watered-down threats about personal harm should I find out she gets handsy with my son.

The idea of threatening young women to keep their hands off young men is ludicrous, yet when roles are reversed it’s completely accepted and even encouraged. Why? In order to raise a generation of kind and respectful men we have to stop telling our boys they’re inherently bad (but it’s not their fault because hormones).

Click here for the entire article.

Everything My Church Taught Me About Sex and Marriage is Wrong

Some really good points here.

Most talks and sermons on physical intimacy and marriage are compartmentalized. It is about sex… and then marriage, or it is about marriage… and then sex. Sex becomes an “add-on” to marriage much like a shed out back is an “add-on” to a house. It doesn’t have anything to do with the actual relationship, nothing to do with the structural integrity of the house itself. It’s just a bonus.

Because of this, my understanding of sex became naturally one-sided. What I heard was, “I’m going to love having sex. It will make me feel great.

Click here for the entire article.

“Dating.For.Life 2.0” Resources – 26 Links & 100 Questions

With my new talk on dating now finished I have a ton of new resources. I figured I might as well send them out in a blog. Below are the 26 blogs, articles and websites that were the foundation for my new talk. Below that are all of the questions (100 questions) that you need to go through as you are growing in your dating relationship.
At the bottom of this list is also a link to my entire dating.for.life original talk.

Read More

3 Dating Myths Christians Need to Kiss Goodbye

Great advice.

What if Christians just began to date like normal people—not dating toward immediate marriage and not eschewing dating for the less-desirable “hanging out” no man’s land?

  1. You Have to Know Exactly How You Feel Before You Go On a Date
  2. You Can’t Date Casually
  3. Marriage Is the Only Purpose of Dating

Click here for the entire blog.

Teen Dating Violence … A Helpful Infographic to spark discussion.

Great infographic here. Something to talk about in our families and youth groups.

For today’s kids, the word “dating” and the realities of “dating” bear little resemblance to what those of us from past generations understood and experienced as we “dated”. . . even if were teenagers just ten short years ago. It’s a new cultural context with new rules, borders, and boundaries. . . if, in fact, rules, borders, and boundaries even continue to exist. Perhaps that’s why we need an understanding of these things so that we can guide our kids into healthy habits and relationships.

Click here for the entire article.

How Christians Ruin Dating

Good blog here.

If you’ve dated in the Christian circle for any length of time, you, too, probably have humorous stories as well as scars. As there’s no book in the Bible with a dating how-to, the “biblical dating” we strive for actually doesn’t exist—we’ve been left to our own devices to figure it out. And churches haven’t always done the best job helping us get there.

It’s OK to want a relationship. We’re created to be relational beings, after all. But when we, as individuals or as a church, are obsessed with romantic relationships, we miss out on so much more God offers us. We fixate on the idea of “knowing” so early on, we skip over the whole point of relationships—getting to know and connect with another human being. When we demand of a friend, “Do they love Jesus?!” after date one, we’re expecting people to have gotten incredibly intimate and vulnerable in the first 90 minutes of talking with someone. That’s typically not healthy.

Click here for the entire blog.