Brett.Ullman

10 Thoughts on the Deafening Silence of Parents Today!

In the last month I have had over 2 dozen (24 conversations) with students, family members, youth workers, teachers and others all talking about students in crisis. You would then ask what kind of crisis am I talking about. I am talking about students in Grades 3-12 struggling with:

  1. Eating disorders
  2. Physically harming themselves (cutting)
  3. Suicidal thoughts including suicide attempts
  4. Depression
  5. Anxiety
  6. Panic attacks
  7. Burnout and breakdown

In every single one of these conversations the problem people are talking to me about is not with the desperate struggle the student is having but what to do when the parent(s) refuses to acknowledge that anything is wrong and/or will to do nothing about the problem.

“There comes a time when silence is betrayal.” Martin Luther King Jr.’s

So where do we go from here. First I would say we need to advocate for the people around us. Advocate means to speak up or stand up for people. We, as friends, family and leaders, need to have conversations with the parents who are not addressing these issues.

For some people you may need to sit for a second and question if maybe you are the silent parent. If so, here are some thoughts for you:

  1. How are you presently helping your child in their struggle? You should be able to answer this.
  2. How are you hindering your child in their struggle? There are always areas we can improve on.
  3. Have you created a safe environment where you child feels comfortable talking about their struggles?
  4. Are you perpetuating the stigma of mental health but not talking openly about the struggle in your home?
  5. I understand that you might feel completely overwhelmed but the situation. That is ok. How about booking a counselling appointment for you. Tell the counsellor what is going on in your child’s life and get some strategies to begin to come along side them and support them in this struggle. If you feel overwhelmed as an adult picture being a young student dealing with these issue and how much more overwhelming it must be for them.
  6. I read a quote once that said something along the lines of many parents today are so focused on the downward spiral of their own lives it is hard to think of anything beyond their own situation. Maybe some of you need to work on your own struggles first. I also think that we can be working on our own struggles while at the same time advocating for our own children.
  7. I love the book by Robert Munsch that says “I love you forever and always”. We need to let our kids know that we are always there for them and even if they struggle we will still love them. Many students say to me that they could never tell their parents about their struggles as they hear the comments their parents make about other people with similar struggles. Be careful what critical comments you say about others. You might have people in your own home dealing with the same issues.
  8. Even if you have no idea what to do or say you can say this “I don’t know what you are going through but I love you, I will be here through this journey and I will look at getting you some help.”
  9. Say something. Say anything. Just don’t ignore the problem and assume it will get better. It will not.
  10. As a parent, who has a child struggling, talk to your friends at work, church, school, sports etc. You will probably find that many of your friends have kids who have gone through similar journey’s.  Be vulnerable enough to not be ok. I have heard this quote by many people “Its ok to not be ok, its just not ok to stay that way.”

If you have any other thoughts please add them in a comment. Thanks

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brett ullman

Brett Ullman travels North America speaking to teens, young adults, leaders and parents on topics including sexuality, mental health, men, dating and media. Brett's seminars engage and challenge attendees to try and connect our ancient faith with our modern culture we live in. Participants are inspired to reflect on what we know, what we believe and how our faith ought to serve as the lens through which we view and engage tough conversations in our society today.

1 CommentLeave a comment

  • Excellent post Brett! Communication with our kids is so key. Listening with the intent\goal to understand and empathize builds trust. I believe as well that there is great power in the small stuff. For example, telling my kids every day that I love them and I am crazy about them is something easy to do. Giving each of them a hug every day. Investing time in them, giving them a “guaranteed listen” when they have something to share. These simple habits create an environment that is safe, loving and accepting.

    I realize that this is not everyone’s reality, yet I also know that we can begin to change our environments by changing ourselves in small ways. When we humble ourselves as leaders, parents, friends and elevate our self-awareness through reflective questions, we begin to realize that we have an opportunity and responsibility to change some of our own behaviours which can have a powerful positive influence on our most important and meaningful relationships. Thanks again for a great post!

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